BARNESTORMING

LAUGHTER

SELECTION -- EPILOGUE

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: Stop. Don't leave. The best is yet to come. Our final number. The Prisoners Advisory Committee of Block B. Auschwitz II, proudly present as the climax of this Extermination Camp Christmas Concert, the farewell performance of the Boffo Boys of Birkenau, Abe Bimko and Hymie Bieberstein --"Bimko and Bieberstein!"

Intrfoductory music. Applause. A Follow Spot picks out two hollow-eyed comics, BIMKO and BIEBERSTEIN as they enter dancing, STage Right, dressed in shapeless concentration camp, striped prison uniforms with the yellow Star of David pinned on their threadbare tunics, wooden clogs, and undertakers top hats complete with ribbon. Carrying a small cane each, they perform a simple dane and patter routine , to the tune of 'On the Sunny Side of the Street'.

BIEBERSTEIN: Bernie Litvinoff just died.

BIMKO: Well if he had a chnce to better himself.

BIEBERSTEIN: Drunk a whole bottle of varnish. Awful sight, but a beautiful finish. Everyone knew he was dead. He didn't move when they kicked him. He's alredy in the ovens.

BIMKO: Poke him up then, this is a very cold block house.

BIEBERSTEIN: They're sending his ashes to his widow. She's going to keep them in an hour glass.

BIMKO: So she's finally getting him to work for a living.

BIEBERSTEIN: The Campo Foreman kept hitting me with a rubber truncheon yesterday - hit, hit, hit. I said,'You hitting me for a joke or on purpose?' 'On purpose!' he yelled. Hit, hit, hit. 'Good,' I said, 'because such jokes I don't like.'

BIMKO: According to the latest statistics, one man dies in this camp every time I breathe.

BIEBERSTEIN: Have you tried toothpaste?

BIMKO: No, the Dental Officer said my teeth were fine, only the gums have to come out.

BIEBERSTEIN: Be grateful. The doctor told Fleischmann he needed to lose ten pounds of ugly at, so they cut off his head.

The music has faded out imperceptibly into a hissing sound. The Follow Spot begins to turn blue. They stop dancing.

BIMKO: I' sure I've got leprosy.

BIEBERSTEIN: Devil's Island's the place for leprosy.

BIMKO: It's good?

BIEBERSTEIN: It's where I got mine.

BIMKO: Can I stay and watch you rot?

They cough and stagger.

BIEBERSTEIN: I could be wrong but I think this acti is dying.

BIMKO: The way to beat hydro-cyanide gas is by holding your breathe for five minutes. It'sjust a question of mind over matter. They don't mind and we don't matter.

They fall to their knees.

BIEBERSTEIN: To my beloved wife Rachel I leave my Swiss bank account. To my son Julius who I love and cherish, like he was my son, I leave my business. To my daughter I leave one hundred thousand marks in Trust. And to my no-good brother-in-law Louie whoe said I'd never remember him in my will--Hello Louie!

BIMKO: Dear Lord God, you help strangers so why shouldn't you help us? We're the chosen people.

BIEBERSTEIN: Abe, so why did we have to be chosen?

BIMKO: Do me a favour, don't ask. WHatever it was it was too much...Hymie you were right, this act's dead on its feet.

The spot fades out.

BIEBERSTIEN: Oh mother....

They die in the darkness.