BARNESTORMING

NOBODY HERE BUT US CHICKENS
Not As Bad As They Seem
Extracts

Lights up on a bedroom. Late afternoon. Paul Berridge and Judith Sefton are in bed. Door Left, window Right. Berridge's clothes are placed neatly over the back of a chair nearby. Judith is smoking a cigarette in bed.

Berridge My ex-wife never smoked in bed after we made love. She said one drag was enough. She was kinky, kept asking me to hurt her. So I told her her budgie was dead.

Judith Harvey was like that too. He said he had marks all over his body from women touching him with ten-foot poles. The man was either mad or both. I knew he was a lousy lover in just eight seconds flat.

Berridge Actually, I've never thought of myself as a great lover, not since the day they caught a Peeping Tom booing me.

Judith Rhino horns're supposed to be the best aphrodisiacs but they have one side-effect - you keep charging Morris Minors.

They laugh.

Berridge They broke the mould before they made you. You're funny and you're beautiful.

Judith As what?

Berridge As a set of complex numbers.

Judith To be beautiful you need happiness and fulfillment. When I was young I had ideas I'll never catch again. Why do you say I'm beautiful?

Berridge Because I see your shape in the sound of your voice, because my world isn't quite so dark now.

Judith Paul, if we're going to be lovers we shouldn't get too personal. We'll only stay together if we stay independent. it's hard but I'm me because I'm me and you're you because you're you. But if I'm only me because you're you and you're only you because I'm eme, then I'm not me and you're not you.

Berridge You're right....

....Judith You're a good listener and when a woman finds a man who actually listens to her she usually lets him into her bed out of sheer gratitude.

Berridge You're good to listen to. And don't worry about the rest. I'll see you twice a week - Tuesday and Fridays, three-thirty to six, when Ernest has classes and I haven't. It appeals to my sense of order.

Judith I don't see how he can find out. He's so wrapped up in himself he's qite blind.

They laugh. There is the sound of someone coming into the living room. Ernest Sefton calls.

Sefton (off) Judith!...Are you in?!

Judith and Berridge 'freeze' om horror.

Judith (low) It's...

Berridge (low) Yes...

As Sefton is heard in the living-room, Berridge leaps out of bed and stumbles forward, putting his hands out in front of him. He feels desparately for support along the edge of the bed to the end. He is blind.

Judith has picked up her white stick on the floor behind the dressing table, lurches forward and cannons straight into him. She is blind too.....(confusion ensues)....

Undeterred, she jumps back into bed whilst Berridgeveers off to the Right as the door opens and Ernest Sefton stands in the doorway. He stares at the dishevelled Judith who is lying full-length on the bed, but the wrong way round, and ignores Berridge who is standing in a torn shirt, trying to hold up his trousers.

Sefton Judith? What're you doing?

Judith (pretending she was just woken up) Sleeping...

Sefton Sleeping?

Judith I didn't hear you come in.

Sefton Obviously.

He crosses straight to her and trips over the blanket on the floor.

What the devil was that?

He scrambles around on his hands and knees trying to get his bearing. Sefton too is blind.

Judith It must be my blanket. You do need a guide dog.

Sefton It's your fault, Pet. Anything out of place and we blinders're sure to crash into it...I've been teaching at the Henly School for the blind for eighteen years and it's the first time I've missed a clss. I got a blinding migraine then this extraordinary thing happened...Judith, I think I'm beginning to see again!

Judith jerks upright and Berridge lets go of his trousers in fright.

Sefton Of course when I say see, I don't mean see see. I saw shadows and no shadow is black. So there was light. You've been blind from birth but I was struck blind so I know what light is. Maybe I've been granted second sight....I'm hoping against hope, but I shouldn't hope. I must turn a deaf eye to all that...

...Berridge jumps onto the bed and cowers down beside Judith....She edges over Berridge, half lying on top of him.

Sefton I have this extraordinary feeling I'm being watched by another pair of eyes.

Judith You're upset. You'll probbly imagine all sorts of things.

Sefton Paul Berridge is responsible for all this. He gave me that blinding migraine and afterwards I saw the light. He'd be be furious if he found out. The first time we shook hans I knew he was after my job. Smooth. When he sheds his skin he can send me the rattle...Berridge reacts but Judith quickly pushes him down.) Berridge had it too easy. I've had to fight all the way. Everybody was against me. The authorities always favour teachers blind from birth. Oh don't think I don't know what's going on. I know - everything...On top of that if you're born sighted, like me you can't ever forget it. You carry the sun around in your pocket always. Berridge was lucky he was born stone-blind.

Judith So was I and I don't feel lucky.