BARNESTORMING

NOBODY HERE BUT US CHICKENS
More Than a Touch of Zen
Extracts

Darkness. The sound of Japanese wood-blocks banged together.

Lights up on a seedy gymnasium in semi-darkness. Mats on the floor, some chairs in the far corner. Left. Sitting sprawled in the shadows, against a side wall Down Left in track-suits are George Hills and Douglas Powell.

The instructor Joseph Carver enters briskly Right, in a Judo outfit, and addresses them from a pool of light, from a solitary skylight.

Carver Harai-gosphi, O-gosphi knoshi-nage, yoko-goke, wan-kam-setsu, kata-ha-jime Judo is the Path, the Way, the Do, the harmony of circles, efficient use of mind and body, the controlled movement executed with speed, lightness, and precision, aya!...(He assumes a Judo position, arms straight above his head, right leg bent, left straight out.) Virabhadrasana One or the First-Warrior pose.

But Judo is more than just a formalised method of combat - it is a way of life. ...There are three basic principles of Judo laid down by the great Kensho Abe. One - all things in the universe're in motion. Two - this motion is flowing. Three - all things flow in harmony. And all this was said by a man only five feet tall. If your balance is right it needs only a little fingerto be raised a fraction, a foot to shift an inch and the biggest fall, aya! (He kicks out with his right foot.) The Ke-Age or the kick to the testicles.

Barton Wright developed his own Judo system call Bartitsu, which Sherlock Holmes used to destroy Moriarty. I've developed my own system too, Ch'uan, a smidgeon of Shiatzu - that's Japanese finger pressure for energy, sexual vitality and relief from tension - and more than a touch of Zen: trees have no voice but when the wind blows they sing. Bujutsu-Carver takes the best of the East for the West, aya! (He executes a thrust to the eye.) The Ryogan Tsuki or Eye-thrust. You can gouge out an eye in a flash with that move.

But remember Judo is a spiritual discipline. We reach out beyond ourselves, see the unlit universe in the movement of a hand. And all for L8.50 (8 pounds 50) a session, plus V.A.T. I've no idea what your backgrounds are but they couldn't be worse than mine. I was born in Chingford and now I'm a Fifth-Dan. Judo is available to all. There can be no barriers here on the Dojo. No barriers in you either physical or mental. The most formidable opponent you'll ever meet on the mat is yourself. But if you have an open mind you'll take everyone and eveything in your stride. Now, gentlemen, this will be your first session so we'll concentrate on posture. On your feet and we'll begin a voyage of discovery. But we'd better get some light on the scene and see where we are first.

As Carver crosses to the right wall and switches on the lighs, Hils and Powell use the wall bars to drag themselves upright, their limbs and torsos saking violently now that they are moving.

Carver turns back to see them twitching and lurching uncontrollably. He stares and deliberately closes his eyes in disbelief. When he opens them again they are still there, still shaking spastically, and trying to stand upright.

Powell Something wrong, Mr. Carver?

Carver Wrong?...No...no, no, no...What could be wrong?

Powell Is it because you think we're cripples?

Carver Cripples? Oh I wouldn't put it quite like that.

Powell Spastic paralysis. That's paralysis marked by tonic spasms of the muscles and increased by tendon reflexes.......

Powell Handy handicappers - Number 8973 George Hills there and I'm Number 4539 Douglas Powell, Streathn Institute for the Physically Handicapped. I'm an institute man born and bred. ...George here lived soft with his parents till they decided to shuffle off their responsibities and die. Parents can always be counted on to do that in the end......You have to surround yourself with yourself to survive. I'm the Institute's Wonder Boy. M.A. PhD. My fame echoed from one end of Streatham High STreet to the other, a distance of some twenty linear feet. Now I write school textbooks. But I want to develop my body as well as my mind....

...Carver moves forward and takes Hills's hand to direct his waving finger to the correct spot. As he does so Hills judders convulsively sending carver crashing to the floor. Powell and Hills look down at him in horror.

Hills Oooh...

Powell He didn't mean to do it, did you George?

Hills Nooooo!

Carver That's the first time I've been off my feet since '68.

Hills I-I-I feel in a p-p-pretty p-p-palsy state. W-W-Weee've BLOWN it, eh, Mr. Carver?

Carver Aya! (He jumps up and mimes a Judo hold.) The Gyaku-juji-jime or Reverse Cross Strangle! I was forgetting the great Zen principle of turning disadvantages to advantage. The famous one -armed fighter Kusunda became a supreme Judo champion because he followed the advice of his zen teacher and secretly practiced Hanemakikomi holds. Now your opponent's right arm. But Kusunda didn't have a right arm. By the time his opponents had adjusted to his empty sleeve he'd thrown them.

Powell But we haven't got empty sleeves.

Carver No, you've got the shakes, which is better. I made the mistake of trying to overcome them instead of using'em. Most Judoka are well-balanced, low-slung, poised fighters. You'll be the opposite - off-blanced, high-strung and a shambles. they won't be expecting that. Good Judo is sneaky. Oh, it's sneaky.